New York's Lonely State of Mind

Loneliness is a dreadful heavy thing. A few days after I arrived in New York, I made a frantic call to my brother in all-friendly Dallas. My first question was: Why doesn’t anyone in New York, smile?

And his reply was pretty snappy: Because they are rude people.

Clearly, I do not believe the idea that an entire city is rude. Probably because I haven’t encountered an actual rude New York person. For me what was bothersome was that no one seemed to smile. When I was at Dallas, that’s what everyone did. They were all so friendly and nice. I had little chats with everyone from the lady sitting next to me on the flight to the guy who was buying clothes in the same section I was. In New York, it took a while for me to make a friend. Despite all the excitement, it can get unusually lonely because you are just a figure in an avalanche of figures, always in a hurry, always in a rush, always wondering about the day ahead.

I think this city is everything and nothing, all wrapped up in one big Christmas red! There is everything a city guy like me would ever need…and there is nothing that the artist in me could ever use. Everything is a blown up balloon…but at the end of it all…it’s just hot air! The smiles are mostly reserved for the ones you know. The public displays of affection so few and far between, you would think (and eventually realize) that a Hollywood movie is nothing more than an exaggerated alternate universe! The ultra-sexy women that never are, the hunky men that are actually obese, the romance in the air but not in the soul, the food on the table but never fully in the stomach. Complete, yet incomplete. 

Every day I walk through the streets of Manhattan, its beauty is blinding but its sadness, crushing. And yet…its exuberance never found lacking. Every day is brighter than the previous. Every hour faster, every minute shorter and every second louder! The city is always moving. Always rolling. And I roll with it. Perhaps, on this journey, there will be another hand to hold. Perhaps, on this journey, there will be a moist kiss for the cold evening. Perhaps not.

But today as I walked down to my favorite Starbucks on Madison, I had a revelation: I wasn’t feeling lonely at all and I was feeling very content. 

Good God, when did that happen?

I realize, I am truly content...walking alone. In being closer to my own shadow than to any other flesh. And that is a beauty beyond all madness. To be satisfied, to be alone, to shame loneliness to the dust, to be fulfilled, to be just…me! 

So I walked into Starbucks and smiled at everyone as I have always done, reciprocity be damned. 

Because, New York or not…I can only be me! Nothing else!