Touch My Body, Window-Shoppers Be Damned!

This happened three days ago. 

I stepped off the train into the New York cold towards my apartment, a block away from the station. I was hungry and the Chinese place between 109th and 110th on Lexington was calling out to me like the apple to Eve. Too lazy to go home and make dinner, I decided to order some take-out. That’s when I saw the couple. 

A boy and girl, in their late teens by the look of it, standing right next to the restaurant, in full American Pie mode, completely oblivious to the people passing by. Now this wasn’t a normal let’s-kiss-a-bit make out. This was a full-on if-we-are-not-outside-we-would-be-naked kind of make out. Both of them holding each other, kissing wildly, going in circles, the guy’s hat dropping at every turn and the girl playing along. 

  

"Okay, Caligula! We get it. Now you can stop!”

It was weird because I had only a day earlier written in my post New York's Lonely State Of Mind about there being no PDA in New York. And here it was…more than I had asked for. Literally!! 

Was it love? Was it sex? I guess, they were so taken in by the passion of the moment, that well, they forgot they were actually outside. Now, I wouldn’t NOT know I’m outside, especially when it is 43 degrees. But then, I am from a warmer climate. So, what do I know!? 

The next evening, I was chatting with a friend of mine from India. He apparently wanted to indulge in a little playdate of his own with another guy who in his own words was ‘certified’ curious but ‘attested’ not gay. (??!!) So my friend was contemplating letting it happen despite the fact that he was in a non-exclusive relationship with a girl. Now, such complications are the norm in India, where you can never be comfortably straight and you can never ever be genuinely gay. There is always someone ready to pass judgement on whatever you do. Hold your wife’s hand in public…WRONG!! Kiss a guy in private…GOING TO HELL!

After a few minutes of back and forth, in a moment of poignant candor, he confessed: “Actually Aden, I really want to do it, because I haven’t been with anyone physically in a while!” 

I didn’t object. Neither did I endorse. I simply understood him and that vulnerable physical take-over he was longing for. He didn’t realize he was already exhibiting a kind of vulnerability that only a prolonged period of loneliness could have induced. 

Both of these incidents got me thinking about the human condition in general. There is one thing that is universal, transcending culture, race, geography and every other so-called barrier: Our human need to be touched. To experience something bigger than ourselves. That something that can only be, when it is shared with someone else. We can of course be content alone. However, there is always an unabashed longing in us to have someone to share ourselves with, even if it is only for a moment. Someone to touch. Someone to pleasure. Someone to make love with. Someone apart from our own mirror to say we stir up desire and passion in them, like they do in us. 

You see, no matter how many subtle jabs I take at the sexual window-shopping I witnessed outside the restaurant, the truth is, at the end of the day, the couple still went home knowing they kissed someone. They touched someone. And I went home alone and slept on a bed that was cold on one side through the night. So, if I was that boy, hypocrisy be damned, I would have not just window-shopped, I would have broken the windows and truly shopped. Street or no street. There!

PS: My whining is not...I repeat, is NOT an invitation for marriage. Thank you!

New York's Lonely State of Mind

Loneliness is a dreadful heavy thing. A few days after I arrived in New York, I made a frantic call to my brother in all-friendly Dallas. My first question was: Why doesn’t anyone in New York, smile?

And his reply was pretty snappy: Because they are rude people.

Clearly, I do not believe the idea that an entire city is rude. Probably because I haven’t encountered an actual rude New York person. For me what was bothersome was that no one seemed to smile. When I was at Dallas, that’s what everyone did. They were all so friendly and nice. I had little chats with everyone from the lady sitting next to me on the flight to the guy who was buying clothes in the same section I was. In New York, it took a while for me to make a friend. Despite all the excitement, it can get unusually lonely because you are just a figure in an avalanche of figures, always in a hurry, always in a rush, always wondering about the day ahead.

I think this city is everything and nothing, all wrapped up in one big Christmas red! There is everything a city guy like me would ever need…and there is nothing that the artist in me could ever use. Everything is a blown up balloon…but at the end of it all…it’s just hot air! The smiles are mostly reserved for the ones you know. The public displays of affection so few and far between, you would think (and eventually realize) that a Hollywood movie is nothing more than an exaggerated alternate universe! The ultra-sexy women that never are, the hunky men that are actually obese, the romance in the air but not in the soul, the food on the table but never fully in the stomach. Complete, yet incomplete. 

Every day I walk through the streets of Manhattan, its beauty is blinding but its sadness, crushing. And yet…its exuberance never found lacking. Every day is brighter than the previous. Every hour faster, every minute shorter and every second louder! The city is always moving. Always rolling. And I roll with it. Perhaps, on this journey, there will be another hand to hold. Perhaps, on this journey, there will be a moist kiss for the cold evening. Perhaps not.

But today as I walked down to my favorite Starbucks on Madison, I had a revelation: I wasn’t feeling lonely at all and I was feeling very content. 

Good God, when did that happen?

I realize, I am truly content...walking alone. In being closer to my own shadow than to any other flesh. And that is a beauty beyond all madness. To be satisfied, to be alone, to shame loneliness to the dust, to be fulfilled, to be just…me! 

So I walked into Starbucks and smiled at everyone as I have always done, reciprocity be damned. 

Because, New York or not…I can only be me! Nothing else!

My 19th American Day

It's been 19 days. What a way to experience America. No trips to the Statue Of Liberty. No photos of the Empire State Building. And yet...I have seen more New York than any other possible tourist. The day I landed in New York, on my 5th American Day...the previous four having been spent carefree at my brother's house in Dallas, I threw my bags impatiently on my hotel bed and rushed out. I wanted to walk. To walk the length and breadth of New York. To see what the hype was all about. And so I got my gps out and rushed to Times Square! And boy, was I floored! The hype really did hold. The bright lights, the people, the mad rush...it was too good to be true.

Most of all, it was fascinating. The boy standing in the corner with a signboard that said: Please give me money for weed!! Another man with the signboard: Today is my 33rd birthday and I need to take my girlfriend to a motel. So please help! - For a person from India, that is no charity. For us charity would be if you were dying and needed money for a transplant. Not weed for a Saturday evening. And definitely not money for you to do the nasty on your 33rd! Five days later...the man was still there and it was still his 33rd birthday.

And yes...the preacher. The one that was standing right in front of the red seated-area, shouting Bible verses. Now, I come from the church and despite all the drama I went thru at my previous church (Oh yes...big time drama)...I never had the experience of being cursed at the way the man was cursing at the people head on.

"Repent or you shall go to hell!"

Seriously!

And then came the heart-breaking part: the people in need!

The first time someone came to me and asked me for money, I didn't understand what he was saying. I just thought he was asking me some kind of direction and I said no. Then he went past me and I saw him ask someone else, and that's when I realized he was asking me for food. I was heartbroken. As in totally. How could I turn my back on people in need? So I decided the next time someone asked me, I would be alert and do the needful. A few minutes later came this young lady asking me to buy her food. I bought her a pizza and when I did, she sincerely explained: "I am sorry to bother you. It's just that my boyfriend and I spent all our money buying our dog, food. So we had to bother you!"

My eyes opened wide! I just didn't understand that kind of asking. I mean, really. That was ridiculous! Over the next three days, I landed up buying food for close to ten people. Then it hit me...the reality of the situation. Now I do what New Yorkers usually do - Never make eye contact with ANYONE on the sidewalks. Two days ago, I accidentally did...and this beautiful black lady smiled wide and said: "Hello, can you just give me 5 dollars to do my laundry?!" I gave her two. And then I swore to myself never to get sucked in.

So this is my 19th day...and I must have walked at least 5 miles a day. Now I know what is downtown, midtown, uptown, East side, West side, where the Bronx is, where Brooklyn is. I know the subway system, the trains to take, 6 goes to my place, 5 goes to my place but doesn't stop at my place, R goes to Jackson Heights where you couldnt tell if you were in America or in India. And of course there is SOHO, Union Square, Central Park which is so big...I still haven't gone past five blocks worth of the park. And I also know never to buy anything at Macy's...though I did see the back of Mariah Carey's head the day before Thanksgiving...my first celebrity sighting! Thanks, Macy! And thanks for the exorbitant prices! Black Friday notwithstanding.

I think I will continue walking tomorrow. And see the splendor that is New York. The city I fell in love with while my flight was still on its way down. The city I fell in love with despite being deeply disappointed with the pretzels on the sidewalks. (Why on earth would you have those horrible salt crystals on them?)

The city I fell in love with because...well, it is New York. And that is good enough reason. For now.